And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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