Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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