I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize