I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
