At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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