A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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