every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
