I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
