so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
