you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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