Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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