there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize