I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
