I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
