This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
