You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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