god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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