"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
