I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
