my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
