actually, I'm a sock model
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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