i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
