At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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