I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
