Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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