I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
