I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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