I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
