I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Four minutes until I can fart!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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