Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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