I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
