Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
