I got chris browned last night
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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