I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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