It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
