theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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