he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
