Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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