Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize