i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
