Joe is yelling at the trees again.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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