I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
