i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
