The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
