five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
