His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize