textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
