FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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