the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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