She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
