The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do herpes really smell.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
