My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He? As in you personified your dick?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
