I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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