i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
