My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
