First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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