I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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