hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize