i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
