seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
