dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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