Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
