I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
