I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
