Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
