Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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