I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
