My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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