u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
