listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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