I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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