wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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